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Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Time Capsule of Shame

I am having a yard sale at my parents house, and this past week since I've been home from tour, I have been rooting through the darkest corners of the basement and attic for things I should get rid of. I uncovered something I have long forgotten about, and it's something you should all probably see before you decide whether or not you really want me in your life as your favorite new author.

When I was sixteen, I took a construction class in high school. One of the assignments was to make a model home, and I modified the measurements of all the beams so that I could make it into a dollhouse to secretly reconstruct into my bachelor adult dreamhouse once I was able to take it home. Here are some pictures of what I pulled out of the closet. I wiped away the spider webs and dead bees, but aside from that, this is how I found it.

Ahh, periwinkle exterior. A fine choice for a home. Surely your neighbors won't hatecrime you in the future, as they have done your first sixteen years, Young Cassie.

Here is the upstairs boudoir. We see that in the future, I will enjoy a sprawling view of the big city, as well as a larger-than-life poster of the Kids in the Hall, who I loved with my whole heart and taped every episode. I obviously don't need anyone to love me, because you can see I have selected a twin bed in the creepy attic room of my dreamhouse. However...

...a mirror over the bed! Maybe I was hoping for a love 'em and leave 'em lifestyle in the future. "Yeah, I'll pay your cabfare home, you can even use my best cologne. Just don't be here in the morning when I wake up."

Now, we walk down the non-existent staircase into the livingroom, where we can see the Smurfs are having a party. I really DO NOT remember playing with Smurf figurines when I was in my JUNIOR YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL, but the evidence here seems to tell a much different tale.

Here we have a picture of my cousins and me, shrunk down in microsoft paint, and also a very attractive photo of Scott Thompson from the Kids in the Hall, who I had a major crush on, even though I knew our love could never be.

"Hey, Fairies! Pizza's here!"


"Hold on, I'm checking my emails!"


Well, thanks for visiting my teenage fantasy bachelor pad. This will be for sale on Saturday in my parents' driveway. Feel free to email me your bids on this fanciful time capsule of my loneliness.


Anonymous said...

Girl I thought I gave you the down payment omn that thang

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