Things I Have Learned From Arguing with Giant Corporations:
1. Sallie Mae is not some cute girl from the south, and if she gets your number, she probably won't stop calling. You didn't tell her you moved four years ago, so she drives by your parents house when she is lonely, just to see if you're home.
2. Bank of America doesn't care if you're stripping to pay your credit card bill, because nothing is more American than a stripper just trying to pay her bills.
3. Bank of America can tell you are lying when you tell them you are sucking dick to pay their high interest rates and they won't do anything to help you.
4. The customer service representative at Bank of America will get very upset when you pretend to cry, long, deep, emotional wails, the sort of crying reserved for a very special episode of Highway to Heaven where it looks like even Michael Landon can't help. She will beg you to stop and eventually put a supervisor on the phone, who is gruff and significantly less sympathetic. Your interest rates will remain where they are.
4. American Express will reverse the charges when you tell them you are going to kill yourself over the phone. When you say, “I'm picking up the razor now, Christina,” they will beg you to hold and then speak to a supervisor, who will give you your money back.
5. It is easier to defuse a bomb on a moving schoolbus full of innocent children than to fix your credit score after a bank error from HSBC.
6. When you have a parking ticket, it never goes away. Instead it mutates in a collections office somewhere like space jizz in a NASA lab, and it gets bigger and stronger and sends you threatening letters like an illegitimate kid you could never afford child support for, who grows up to be taller than you and really into Marilyn Manson and collecting knives and wants to kick your ass.
Things I Have Learned From Being Really Poor:
1. Bones will reset on their own. They may not work as well, but it is cheaper than going to the hospital. Also, you can use Krazy Glue to hold your thumb together when you can't afford stitches.
2. A ride in an ambulance costs as much as a two-week Celebrity Cruise, only you are not conscious for it and there is no Richard Simmons to hold you in your suffering.
3. If you get poison ivy in your eye but have no health insurance and your eyeball swells up to twice its size, go to sleep. It will probably be okay in the morning, even if your vision is a little weaker from then on.
4. When your dentist mails you an appointment reminder card, it's because he lives in a magical world of imagination where people can afford to get their teeth cleaned regularly and not just pulled when they are hanging like Wayne Gretzky's after a hockey accident.
5. When your friend dumpster-dives a pallet of juice from Whole Foods, don't drink any of it, because there is probably something wrong that made them throw it out in the first place, and whatever it is will cause you to fart during an interview for a job you really need but are overqualified for.
6. You can lie on your resume and say you went to Yale, because nobody ever checks that shit anyway.
If you would like an official Cassie J. Sneider Fanclub INTERNATIONAL informational packet containing this information, as well as "How to Dress for a Job Interview" and "How to Make Money When You're Broke," send me an email!