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Tuesday, March 20, 2012

BEHOLD! The lost Electric Bubblebath movie!

As many of you already know, I was in the world's foremost weirdo girl electro-rock band, Electric Bubblebath, who rose to power through the forces of karaoke and opened for the Dwarves at our very first show. We made one unofficial EB video that ended up on The Dwarves' FEFU DVD, and one official video that you can see here. Though the public truly loved us, we broke up because of the terrible forces of adulthood and a general consensus of nobody being able to get it together. This is the LOST ELECTRIC BUBBLEBATH FILM, written by me last year. Use your imagination to envision it, and enjoy!


Sell-outs
by Cassie J. Sneider

SCENE 1
INT ELECTRIC BUBBLELABORATORY

Alix and Al!sha are on the couch playing Scrabble.

AL!SHA
Alix, MCHammered isn't a word.

ALIX
Yes it is. It's a verb.

AL!SHA
No, it's not. Use it in a sentence.

ALIX
I went out to da club last night and got totally MCHammered but I was too legit to quit.

LAUGH TRACK

AL!SHA
Did you hear that?

ALIX
No.

ENTER CASSIE WITH GARY GLITTER (played by Colin in a glam suit.)

CASSIE
Hey, guys.

ALIX and AL!SHA are visibly disgusted.

GARY GLITTER
You may want to avert your ears.

CASSIE and GARY GLITTER go into Cassie's room. The door slams. Rock and Roll Part 2 blasts.

AL!SHA
Gary Glitter? Really?

ALIX
Where does she even find these people?

AL!SHA
Alix, for as long as I've known her, Cassie has been combing the murky depths for washed up rockandrollers. It's a fact of life.

ALIX
I just wish she'd get back with Michael McDonald already. At least he's easy on the eyes.

AL!SHA (pensive)
Yeah, she cried for a long time after that one.

ALIX
The man had soul, I'll give him that.

EB INTRO INTERLUDE

SCENE 2

INT ELECTRIC BUBBLELABORATORY DAY
Alisha and Alix are playing Scrabble again. Cassie is feeding Pug.

AL!SHA
You can't Sugeknight someone!

ALIX
To Sugeknight someone is to hang them out of the window. Triple word score. 67 Points.

AL!SHA flips over the game board.

LAUGH TRACK

AL!SHA
Did you hear that?

ALIX
Hear what?

Al!sha is confused. Alix flips through the channels.

CASSIE
Do you guys notice that the pug has been acting out lately?

AL!SHA
Like how?

CASSIE
I don't know. Being cold and distant.

ALIX
I caught him on your computer trying to post himself on Petfinder.

CASSIE (to AL!SHA)
I told you teaching him how to use the internet was a bad idea!

AL!SHA
He swore he wouldn't use it for porn!

ALIX
I think it's cuz you're not paying enough attention to him.

CASSIE
That's not true!

AL!SHA
I don't know. Ever since you broke up with Michael McDonald, you've been spending most of your time dating.

ALIX
Or hanging out behind Madison Square Garden looking for tourbuses.

AL!SHA
Or trying to pick up rockandroll hall-of-famers at NA meetings.

CASSIE
That was just the guy from Foreigner!

LAUGH TRACK. Al!sha looks up, startled. Alix continues to flip through channels.

ALIX
You haven't written any new songs, especially since you've been hanging out with Gary Glitter.

CASSIE
You guys are just jealous because your boyfriends don't take you to Toys R Us or out for ice cream or for rides in his luxury conversion van!

Alix lands on a channel.

ALIX
Wait, what??

ONSCREEN: A commercial with satin-y fabric waving on a laundry line.

VOICEOVER (Cassie as MICHAEL MCDONALD)
Say you love satin, say it loud. Say you love satin. That's what I'm talking about.

AL!SHA
That's our song!! How the hell did that happen?

CASSIE (crying)
That was Michael's voice! Oh, my god! I'm so lonely!


ALIX
How is our song on a commercial for satin?

All three think.

AL!SHA
The pug must have sold the rights to our song out of revenge!

CASSIE (lunging at pug)
You Judas!!

ALIX
Let's keep our wits about us. We do not understand why for the lightbox is playing our song about satin, but we must not turn on each other. Al!sha, use your telepathy to reason with Pug. Cassie, make me a sandwich. I am going to meditate on this until I reach a conclusion.

ALIX folds her legs into a lotus position.
Oh, and no tomatoes.

SCENE 3

INT ELECTRICBUBBLEABORATORY NIGHT
All three are sitting at a card table. Room is dark. A bare bulb hangs between them. Alix is wearing the green thinking cap.

ALIX
Al!sha, what did you find out?

AL!SHA
Pug licensed our song to Michael McDonald.

ALIX
Mmhm. For how much?

AL!SHA
A baggie of speed.

CASSIE (to Pug)
Have you any dignity??

Reaction shot of pug.

ALIX
There is no sense in placing blame here. We can only move forward. Cassie, you're the only one who can get our song back.

CASSIE (breaking down)
I can't!

AL!SHA
For the good of Electric Bubblebath, you must.

CASSIE
Michael McDonald broke my heart! I just can't go back to the Silver Fox! That's what he wants! Don't you see?

AL!SHA
Look, Cassie, when we formed this band, we made a blood pact with Satan that we would do everything in our dark powers to keep it alive.

ALIX holds up a scarred, bleeding palm
Even if it means playing Michael McDonald's twisted mind games.

CASSIE (torn, pensive)
If you think I would give up on this band, why then, that's what a fool believes. I'll do it.

ALIX
Ain't no mountain high enough, sista.
(licks bleeding palm)

SCENE 4
INT ELECTRICBUBBLABORATORY- Cassie's room

(Shot like the Buffalo Bill Scene in Silence of the Lambs. Cassie puts on lipstick and earrings. She dances in her robe. “Takin' It to the Streets” plays in the background.)

CASSIE (close-up of her lips)
I want you to want me. I want me.

TRANSITION MUSIC

SCENE 5
INT ELECTRICBUBBLABORATORY

Alix and Al!sha are playing Scrabble again.

AL!SHA
Alix, blueeyedsoul is not one word.

ALIX
Tell that to Cassie!

LAUGH TRACK

Al!sha looks up, punching and afraid.

Cassie enters, wearing assless chaps and a leather vest, looking disheveled.

CASSIE
Hey, guys.

ALIX AL!SHA
Hey. Hey.

CASSIE
Got our song back.

ALIX AL!SHA
Cool. Cool.

ALIX
Gary Glitter called for you.

CASSIE
Oh, I think me and Michael got back together.

AL!SHA
Really?

CASSIE
Yeah, he said he bought the rights to our song only cuz he loves me and knew we would hatch a plot to get it back.

ALIX
Weird.

CASSIE
Yeah, but the good news is we made thirty bucks off that Satin commercial. You know what that means?

Alix and Al!sha look at each other.

ALL THREE AT ONCE
Speed!!!

LAUGH TRACK

ALL LAUGH

END SCENE.

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